Today was going good until a part of my past came to haunt me. I feel empty right now.
My day started good though. I was able to finally sleep in, I made coffee with my french press, I cleaned and made everything smell good and even washed my bed sheets.
I started watching a popular series on Netflix that’s based on an old comic. It’s super good. It’s called Riverdale. So I basically spent all day binge watching episodes and I forced lovey to watch them with me.
But then we got bored and went to the store and we were just looking around and his coworker came out of nowhere and said hi to him and completely ignored me, didn’t acknowledge me. And there’s a lot of background story that goes with her but I’m not going to type it all out. Basically when lovey needed “space” from me, he went to her. And it just really ruined my night. He said all they ever did was get coffee, but I don’t know. I honestly am so upset and pissed off. I really hate the world at this moment.
Then my roomie texted asking if it’s okay for her boyfriend to crash on the couch. I told her I’d prefer if he slept in her room ’cause I have to wake up early and don’t want to walk out of my room to see him all sprawled out on the couch. (My room is right by the living room). I’m just fed up with everyone right now. I needed to vent. I feel much better now, except I’ll probably still cry myself to sleep ’cause I’m being emotional like that right now. and it’s totally okay. Hoping tomorrow will be better.
“Everything you do doesn’t need to be seen or heard” Currently looking up humble quotes online because I’m trying to stay humble. Today was a weird day at work, probably because I went to the baseball game last night and stayed out way too late and had to wake up early for work. Totally my fault. I think I’m going to sleep soon after I read some of my book.
Do you ever feel like during a conversation you think it’s flowing really well but then later on in the day you think about it and regret some things you said? that’s how I feel. I feel guilty for talking too much at work and saying so much about myself to one of the new hires. A complete stranger. So now I feel kind of embarrassed and I don’t know why. I think because I hate opening up to people.
Well, I don’t want to keep complaining because that could go on forever. I’m just thankful I was able to take a shower and that I finished work for the day. And tomorrow’s Friday! I can make it. I’m going to be ok.
I’m just okay today.
I “raced” home through rush hour. It was awful, people suck at driving. Or maybe I suck at driving. I don’t know.
I checked the mail. Nothing for me.
I made a quick dinner and proceeded to watch “The Help”. I’ve never seen it before. It made me cry a lot. I cry a lot during sad movies. I can’t help it. The first movie I ever cried to was in 4th grade, it was Jack Frost when his dad died and came back as a snowman. The second movie I ever cried to was King Kong.
“The Help” was a really long movie and having no AC, it was super hot in the living room. I tried opening one window, It didn’t really help. I tried opening the other window, but it kept sliding shut as if it was rubbing it in my face that I should suffer in the heat. I tried not to give up on it, I went back about three times trying to get it to stay open. Then I finally gave up and opened the door to the deck. My desire for being cool and not sweaty overcame my fear of bugs flying into my place (ok not a fear, a paranoia).
And now I’m currently still awake at 11:40pm even though I should be sleeping.
It was a warm night with a breeze and I was sitting with one of my good friends from high school by an empty pool; we were soaking our legs and talking about life. More like our quarter-life crisis.
In that moment, I was lost in deep thought. Where did the time go? What am I doing with my life? And then all of a sudden I was motivated for change.
So I’m holding myself accountable. One year from now, I’m going to be back in school and working hard to get a good degree. OR, if I decide to not go down that path, I want to save enough money to travel.
I realize that even though sometimes I feel like I’m too old and it’s too late to become successful, in reality I’m still pretty young. So I’m going to work hard and make something of myself.
Off topic, but I’ve been reminiscing about the Ed Sheeran concert (I can’t believe it will be a week ago from tomorrow) and I keep playing his performance of “Thinking out loud” in my head. In the recorded song he sings “When my hair’s gone and my memory fades, and the crowds don’t remember my name” … but during his performance he sang “And this crowd won’t remember my name”. I thought that was so clever and genuine and it pulled at my heart strings. I don’t even know why I’m writing about it, but it’s one of those memories I’ll have until the day I die.
Have a great weekend & remember it’s okay to not be okay!
James Blunt bumping in the background,
Headlights flickering in sight
Silence filling my mind,
As I walk into the night.
I try not to make a sound,
Even though inside I’m screaming loud.
Today was lame. I paid my first utility and electricity bills and my roommate didn’t even say thank you. Whatever. 4 more months and I’m out of here. Living alone is nice….if you’re living alone. But I can’t afford that. I guess in 4 months it’s back to having a curfew and getting lectures from my parents even though I’m already twenty-something.
Just frustrated I guess, I work super hard and try to make it on my own and my roommate doesn’t even give a crap. The bills aren’t going to pay themselves honey. It’s called gratitude. But hey, on the bright side I’m thankful I have the means to pay the bills.
I can’t wait to someday live on my own. I just need motivation to go back to school to get a good degree and a good job so I can make that vision happen. Well, I feel better now that I ranted. Time to sleep. I’m going to be off the blog the next few days because I’ll be camping on a couch in a house with AC as opposed to my apartment with no AC… I don’t think I could sleep in 109 degree weather. But that’s just me.
This weekend was a blast, probably the most freeing and happy I’ve felt in a while. (Aside from this painful sunburn I’m slowly recovering from). I took a trip to the coast and it was wonderful. I’m usually not a fan of Seaside, because the town is super boring but I literally stayed on the beach for 10 hours! I played flag football and dipped my feet in the ice cold pacific ocean and read some of “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed. It was a good time.
Then last night I went to see Ed Sheeran and now I can scratch that off my bucket list. He was SO good! And I was charmed by James Blunt, now I know more than 1 song of his. I’ve been listening to him on repeat since last night. Super good!
Then today I was able to go in to work about 4 hours late so I got to rest for once and cook myself breakfast. It was much needed “me” time. I even went straight home after work and cleaned my room. So refreshing.
Can’t believe it’s supposed to be 100+ degrees Fahrenheit starting tomorrow until Friday though. I’m lucky my parents have AC so I’m going to go over there starting tomorrow night and crash on the couch.
I’m excited for Thursday, I get to have dinner with a couple of my good friends from high school (One of which is my roommate, but we rarely see each other even though we live in the same apartment haha).
It’s currently 9:24pm and I’m having an innocent fantasy about meeting Ed Sheeran someday (It’ll never happen). The LOML (Love of my life) just texted me and I’m about to meet up with him to do some late night grocery shopping (perks of being a twenty something year old). I hope I’m not out too late because I’m actually quite exhausted.