love.

Sometimes I wonder, what if society didn’t play a role in how people expect love to be? what would it be like?

I only bring up this topic because I keep catching myself thinking “what if” or comparing myself to couples on social media. I keep forgetting that social media is only one aspect of it. It’s unrealistic.

I guess I’m just struggling with expectations right now. I’m still lost in life and still trying to figure myself out and what I want out of love. Some days I’m super happy but other days I’m so frustrated and I snap easily.

Like I see all these pictures of couples and even people I went to high school with and they’re all married and happy and loving life….and then there’s me.

But then I start thinking that if I really wanted those things, I’d definitely be just like them and be in the same position. The truth is, I’m not ready to settle down. Yeah, my eggs are slowly dying …but I’m just not ready to begin that chapter of my life yet. I don’t know If I’ll ever be. I know one day it will come, but I’m not sure when.

I’m just in that position where I want to do all of these things, but when it comes to taking action, I freeze and go into my realist mode and I can’t step out of my comfort zone even though I know I need to.

Like a crazy part of me wants to quit my job, get a passport, and travel. But then my realist side thinks, girl you cannot afford to quit your job, you still need to go to school, and what if you get kidnapped overseas. I think right now my fears outweigh my dreams. And I don’t want to travel alone. But I don’t know anyone who would want to travel with me. So that’s my dilemma.

On happier terms, I’ve been working out more and eating better-ish. I’m down 2-3 pounds since the last time I blogged. Slow progress is better than no progress! I really need to go to this new gym near my place and just spend the $10 a month on a membership though. I had my first awkward encounter at my apartment gym and it was not fun.

I was motivated to go run on the treadmill after work, so I got all dressed and was walking on the sidewalk, when low and behold, a supermodel ran by and she ran to the gym and went on the treadmill. So chubby-bunny me had to go on the elliptical right next to her. And I forgot my headphones. And the remote was on the treadmill so I had to workout in silence with her huffing and puffing with her sweat dripping down her abs. Then this guy comes in and sits on the bicycle which faces the treadmill and the elliptical. So we were all packed sardines and the guy didn’t have headphones either. After the supermodel left, it was just this guy grunting while lifting weights and me working out in silence. so. freaking. not. cool.

So that’s my story of why I need to just get my lazy butt to an actual gym and pay for a dang membership.

-MM

 

 

 

Advertisements

Lazy day

daisy-pointed-flower-flower-white-99565

It felt awesome to sleep in this morning. instead of hitting snooze 5 times, I just turned my alarm off. For some reason this work week was exhausting, maybe because of the mandatory overtime I had (which by the way, has just been cancelled. Woohoo!). Or maybe because I have been staying up past midnight and waking up at 5am. Totally my fault haha.

I made a legit cup of coffee when I woke up because I used my french press. It just tastes better than a K-cup.

My roomie hasn’t stayed at my apartment since Thursday night, so it’s been super quiet and lonely. I really like it though. My introverted self has had time to just think and get in tune with my feelings and truly be alone.

I started working out again last Sunday night and it has made me feel so alive. I think honestly that’s all I needed was to get active again and change my diet. It really has changed my attitude this week. I’m going to try my best to stay motivated, my small goal is to workout at least 3 times a week. Baby steps. And to lay off eating junk food. So far instead of buying chips, I bought rice cakes. They’re actually delicious and satisfy my cravings for something crunchy.

I finally finished Riverdale on Netflix and now I don’t know what to watch. Suggestions are welcome. I’m not sure how I feel about the finale of Riverdale! It totally threw me off.

Anyway, today my family is celebrating my birthday early since we’re all going to be busy on my actual birthday (Tuesday). I just asked my mom to cook food for me because I don’t feel like eating out and I miss her cooking. I can’t believe I’m going to be halfway to 50. I feel so old. And I feel like I haven’t done anything awesome. I want to go back to school or travel, or both. I wish I wasn’t so scared to step out of my comfort zone.

Well, I hope everyone has an awesome weekend.

-MM

 

 

Sad.

pexels-photo-192136

Today was going good until a part of my past came to haunt me. I feel empty right now.

My day started good though. I was able to finally sleep in, I made coffee with my french press, I cleaned and made everything smell good and even washed my bed sheets.

I started watching a popular series on Netflix that’s based on an old comic. It’s super good. It’s called Riverdale. So I basically spent all day binge watching episodes and I forced lovey to watch them with me.

But then we got bored and went to the store and we were just looking around and his coworker came out of nowhere and said hi to him and completely ignored me, didn’t acknowledge me. And there’s a lot of background story that goes with her but I’m not going to type it all out. Basically when lovey needed “space” from me, he went to her. And it just really ruined my night. He said all they ever did was get coffee, but I don’t know. I honestly am so upset and pissed off. I really hate the world at this moment.

Then my roomie texted asking if it’s okay for her boyfriend to crash on the couch. I told her I’d prefer if he slept in her room ’cause I have to wake up early and don’t want to walk out of my room to see him all sprawled out on the couch. (My room is right by the living room). I’m just fed up with everyone right now. I needed to vent. I feel much better now, except I’ll probably still cry myself to sleep ’cause I’m being emotional like that right now. and it’s totally okay. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

-MM

Thursday.

pexels-photo-427900

“Everything you do doesn’t need to be seen or heard” Currently looking up humble quotes online because I’m trying to stay humble. Today was a weird day at work, probably because I went to the baseball game last night and stayed out way too late and had to wake up early for work. Totally my fault. I think I’m going to sleep soon after I read some of my book.

Do you ever feel like during a conversation you think it’s flowing really well but then later on in the day you think about it and regret some things you said? that’s how I feel. I feel guilty for talking too much at work and saying so much about myself to one of the new hires. A complete stranger. So now I feel kind of embarrassed and I don’t know why. I think because I hate opening up to people.

Well, I don’t want to keep complaining because that could go on forever. I’m just thankful I was able to take a shower and that I finished work for the day. And tomorrow’s Friday! I can make it. I’m going to be ok.

Ok.

pexels-photo-253053 I’m just okay today.

I “raced” home through rush hour. It was awful, people suck at driving. Or maybe I suck at driving. I don’t know.

I checked the mail. Nothing for me.

I made a quick dinner and proceeded to watch “The Help”. I’ve never seen it before. It made me cry a lot. I cry a lot during sad movies. I can’t help it. The first movie I ever cried to was in 4th grade, it was Jack Frost when his dad died and came back as a snowman. The second movie I ever cried to was King Kong.

“The Help” was a really long movie and having no AC, it was super hot in the living room. I tried opening one window, It didn’t really help. I tried opening the other window, but it kept sliding shut as if it was rubbing it in my face that I should suffer in the heat. I tried not to give up on it, I went back about three times trying to get it to stay open. Then I finally gave up and opened the door to the deck. My desire for being cool and not sweaty overcame my fear of bugs flying into my place (ok not a fear, a paranoia).

And now I’m currently still awake at 11:40pm even though I should be sleeping.

Happy Monday

-MM

Holding myself accountable

It was a warm night with a breeze and I was sitting with one of my good friends from high school by an empty pool; we were soaking our legs and talking about life. More like our quarter-life crisis.

pexels-photo-266686

In that moment, I was lost in deep thought. Where did the time go? What am I doing with my life? And then all of a sudden I was motivated for change.

So I’m holding myself accountable. One year from now, I’m going to be back in school and working hard to get a good degree. OR, if I decide to not go down that path, I want to save enough money to travel.

I realize that even though sometimes I feel like I’m too old and it’s too late to become successful, in reality I’m still pretty young. So I’m going to work hard and make something of myself.

Off topic, but I’ve been reminiscing about the Ed Sheeran concert (I can’t believe it will be a week ago from tomorrow) and I keep playing his performance of “Thinking out loud” in my head. In the recorded song he sings “When my hair’s gone and my memory fades, and the crowds don’t remember my name” …  but during his performance he sang “And this crowd won’t remember my name”. I thought that was so clever and genuine and it pulled at my heart strings. I don’t even know why I’m writing about it, but it’s one of those memories I’ll have until the day I die.

Have a great weekend & remember it’s okay to not be okay!

-MM